Roid Run
by Shane Alexander von Teufel
Summary: Tobi is dying, and it is up to his butler, Bastille to save him!


Tobi lay withering away on his deathbed. Bastille was holding his skeletal hands. "Isn't there any way to save you, my master?" And Tobi said: "You shan't go, it's too dangerous." "But master, you are the master of my yes, and I shall never love again if you shall perish." "Alright Bastille, if you insist. You must get my steroids, I haven't been able to get ahold of them and that is what has reduced me to such a state." "Oh, really? That does not sound very dangerous at all, master. "Fool!" Tobi cried. "They are not some feeble steroids that you get from the supermarket! They are high quality steroids from the netherworld, made from the lipstick of a thousand drag queens, and the pubic hair of the basilisk's ball sack, and a little dash of almond butter. It is too dangerous I say! Do not go! Don't leave me alone in my final hours!" "Alas, I must go." "Do you dare disobey your master!?" he hissed. Bastille gathered all of his courage, and said: "Yes, I do dare." And he walked away. As he was leaving the hospital, he could hear Tobi's' wails of pain, and they resounded in his ears as he took the final step out the door. A single tear dropped from his eye, and he was off.

He decided that he would consult the other LOTL members; maybe they would know how to get to the netherworld. They all replied with, "What the fuck man, how would we know how to get to the fucking netherworld?" All seemed lost, until Dan popped out of the closet. "Perhaps, Coppelius will know." He said. "What a fine idea! Thank you, young anorexic gentleman in the closet!" He took a step to leave, but Dan grabbed his legs. "This is quicker!" he hissed and dragged him into the closet where they were teleported to Coppelius' house. "Good gawd, at least give me a warning before you do that shit!" Bastille exclaimed. Dan giggled innocently and replied. "No." Then, he ran away, laughing like a madman. It was then that Bastille started hearing ominous sounds. "Are they already trying to get to the netherworld? Perhaps they have some business there as well." He walked into the room where the sound was coming from, and saw their instruments set up. "Oh you fucktards were just playing your God-awful music again." The Comte turned to him with his ear horn, and said: "What? I can't hear you over how fucking awesome I am!" "Never mind that, do you nerds know how to get to the netherworld?" "Fucks yeah we do!" said Graf. "Then open the damned portal before Tobi dies!" "Hold on, Tobi is dying?" asked Nobusama. "He's been dying for like 3 days you stupid chink." Said Max. "Why doesn't anyone love me?" Nobusama cried, pulling out his samurai sword and plunging it deep into his stomach. "The fucking hell Max! You just killed our drummer again!" Said The Comte. "Sissy, go with Bastille and get Nobusama back!" "But…but…you usually go!" Sissy whined. "Fucking damn it Sissy, no one cares if you die, and everyone will care if I do." "I certainly wouldn't…" said Sissy under his breath. Comte held his ear horn up to Sissy and said: "Are you talking shit laddy?""Of course not!" "Then get your saggy ass into that portal!" "Yes, sir." Sissy said dejectedly. And so, after the extremely simple ritual for opening the portal, which was indeed their "music", the two entered the netherworld.

They found themselves at the peak of Mount Torture. "This is where you'll find the basilisks." Sissy informed him. "I know, I know you retard." Bastille shouted as his pushed him off the peak. "You would have gotten in my way anyway, it's for the greater good." "Fuck you!" Sissy cried as he plunged into the abyss, his last words finally being brave. "Yeah, it's not hard to be brave when you're dying is it, you pussy?" It was then, as he heard his voice echo, that he heard something else as well. "Are those the basilisks?" Bastille questioned, "I had better hide." And indeed, it was a lovely herd of basilisk, a mommy and her hatchlings. "Balls, balls, balls, where are the balls?" Bastille muttered. "Oh look, that one's a male! I will sneak up on him and pluck one of his ball hairs and he won't even notice!" And so, he tried just that. He walked up behind the baby boy basilisk, and just as he pinched one of its ball hairs, it turned around and saw him. "I hope these fuckers are like dinosaurs, maybe if I stand still he won't be able to see me." The basilisk sniffed him, even licked him, until it finally decided that this was just another ugly female basilisk. It began trying to practice mating. "Get off of me you raging turd basket! I have a dick! My balls are hairier than yours will ever be!" However, that outburst led to other basilisk noticing him. "Oh shit! Tim to get out of here!" he cried as he yanked the ball hair violently from the young basilisk's wee nutties. It let out a cry, which sounded like Satan strangling a cat in heat. Bastille got an idea. He flung himself onto the baby basilisk's back, and tried to ride it like some undersized pony. However, Bastille came to the realization that he is a fucking retard. "This was a terrible idea!" And the basilisk bucked him off into the abyss.

As Bastille fell farther, and farther into the abyss, he realized that he seemed to be falling slower than before and slower and slower he kept slowing down. "Does this mean that retard Sissy is still alive? I will fight that faggot! Wait a minute, faggot? Hmm…faggot? Faggots are kind of like drag queens, all I need is a dress, and one thousand lipsticks. As he was finishing this thought, he landed gently on the ground. Sissy hadn't moved from where he lay, he was weeping. "Nobusama, save me!" he cried. "We'll find that dumbass later; let me put a dress on you." Sissy stopped his weeping. "Yay! Will it be a pretty dress?" "Yes, yes I'll buy you any dress you like, but the budget is €416.55 exactly. Do you hear me?" "I like where this is going!" Sissy sang. "Well, in order to do that, we have to find our way out of here." "Oh, that's easy." Sissy said, "The writer of this fan fiction is too fucking lazy to write how we get to the store to buy the dress, so we're just going to appear there with no explanation at all! Wee!"

And so they arrived at the Square of the Damned, a famous shopping mall in the Netherworld. "Whatever, it works for me." Bastille said. They walked into the store, where Sissy found a sparkling, frilly, and slightly out of season, green dress. "Oh how lovely! And it's only 200… wait…this isn't in euros." "Oh fuckity, fuckity fuck!" Bastille yelled in the middle of the store. "What is the currency down here?" A little demon boy came to assist them. "We only accept the blood of virgins down here." 'Oh well, it has to be done." Bastille said as he chopped off Sissy's arm." 'Hey! I'm not a virgin!" Sissy exclaimed. "You know damn well you are! Now shut the fuck up!" Sissy whined and it sounded like the tiny pooting of a little baby kitten, and for just a second, Bastille felt a little bit bad. But, just like love, that feeling faded. "Should that be enough for this dress?" Bastille asked. "Yes, yes, that will be quite enough and they will appreciate the extra bit of flesh." "Thank you, my fine boy. Here, have a finger." he said as he broke off one of Sissy's fingers. "Yay! Thank you, mister!" said the boy as he galloped away (for he had the ass of a horse). They quickly went to the counter and paid for the dress. "Do you happen to know where I can get some lipstick?" "We have some in the back. It's a little bit outdated, but you can have it for free." "Thank you kindly, milady." Bastille said to the employee. "But Bastille, I really don't like lipstick, can you get lip gloss?" "Stop being a little bitch and do as I say." So, they walked into the back, and there are crates upon crates of outdated lipstick. "Perfect!" Bastille exclaimed as he ripped the crates open. "Here, put this on, now put that on." "Why are you doing this to me?" Sissy whined. "It's all for Tobi. Now put it on so we save him quicker." "Ooh, it's for Tobi? I'll wear it for him!" Sissy said blushing, and squealing like a fan girl.

A thousand lipsticks later…"Alright, now all we need is a little bit of almond butter. A dash of it, to be exact." "That's not exact at all." Sissy objected. "How are you even still alive?" "A real lady never tells her secrets, hehe!"'Excuse me?" Bastille cried, "Do you know where we can get some almond butter?" "Almond butter? What the hell is that? It sounds disgusting." A demon cried. "What the deuce? Do you mean to tell me, there is no almond butter in hell?" "Wait, a minute…are you talking about that?" The demon questioned. "You might want to be more specific." Bastille said, annoyed. "The third ingredient for netherworld steroids, of course." 'Why yes, that is exactly what I mean." "Here, just take it." The demon said, "This fanfic is getting too long." "But don't we still have to find Nobusama?"Sissy asked. "Actually," the demon said, "I'm right here." The demon transformed into the chink that we all know and love. Well, not exactly love, but you get the idea. "I'm so glad you remembered me, after all you've been through!" Nobusama said to Sissy lovingly. "Did I mention that you look lovely in that dress?" "Oh, Nobusama!" "Here, have your arm back, you were much sexier with it." Nobusama sewed it back on with tender care. "It, it hurts, Nobusama!" Sissy moaned. "It only hurts in the beginning." "This is getting weird, I am going home. You faggots can piss around all you want, but I have to save Tobi." "Wait, one more thing before you go." Nobusama said, "If you give me the ingredients I can make some boss ass steroids." "Is that so? Maybe you aren't such a useless chink after all." "Thank you." He whispered. He took the ingredients and made some bitchin' roids, just by folding his hands over them. The bottle appeared and everything. "Uh…thanks, bye." Bastille said, and he left without further delay.

He knocked on the magical closet to summon Dan, who teleported him back to LOTL's closet. He could hear Class whining about how no one would play table tennis with him in the distance. "What a whiney little bitch!" Bastille mumbled to himself. And somehow he ended up back at the hospital. I stopped caring long ago, you faggots know what happened. Well anyway, Tobi was grateful, but a bit pissed at the same time. "So fucks sake, what took you so long? It wasn't that fricking dangerous." "The hell it wasn't!" Bastille retorted. "There were basilisks, and I had to put Sissy in a dress, and the demon...err Nobusama didn't know what almond butter was." "Why was that retarded chink there?" 'Tobi asked. "But more importantly, what the hell Bastille? All you had to do was buy the shit!" "Oh."

Das Ende 


End file.
